Sunday, April 22, 2007

To accept the things I cannot change

A friend of mine encouraged me to challenge myself to journal for the next forty days on my spiritual journey with God. It is a challenge I accept, with some hesitation.

Even if it is just one line a day, she said hopefully, It could be something that you could use to see where you started and where you ended in your journey. I loved her optimism, and her carefully framed suggestion that perhaps my inner sanctuary needs a good spring cleaning. It is the kind of nudge that only a sister could give you in love without offense.

This is coming at the heels of a powerful 40 days of prayer and fasting that changed my life, hers and many people around me. Now I feel I have walked right into a period of preparation. Walking into that season is kind of like walking into the middle of a party in which everyine is grooving, you know, having a good old time until you walk in there looking undressed for the celebration.

It is much easier for me to write poetry, fiction, even distantly removed essays than to write about my real life. I suppose in some ways that is why I've only kept one diary in my life. It is painful for me to write honestly about my real life.

So at the start of this challenge, which already finds me well over a week into my 40 day spiritual journey of fasting and praying, I'm going to try this out and see where my gutsiness and personal waterfall of self take me.

Today, I am tired. Not spiritually tired, but physically and mentally tired. I got up this morning to sing at eight and eleven o'clock service. The topic? Love. The greatest spiritual gift of all is not preaching or teaching or discernment or faith or the gift to move others with our gifts...it is love. Anything we do without love means nothing. Love is more important than what we say, what we believe, what we know, or what we do.

Years ago I asked God to teach me to love, and I thought that he did by putting difficult people in my life. I've been around a lot of people who don't know how to love well. I went through the obvioud reactions, Why me? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with them? Well this is the way it is, and finally I accept that this is a lesson even if I don't know what the subject is.

My favorite scripture was Corinthians-- the love chapter. In the past few years I put it away in favor of another favorite scripture "Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of this not seen..." but the bible clearly states that love is greater than faith, greater than hope.

So why have I run away from loving, and letting people love me?

I don't know. But I do know that the call to answer is one I accept.