Who would you be if you weren't afraid?

Who would you be, if you weren't afraid?

The Bible says,"Ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father." Romans 8:15

I asked myself this question five years ago, and it changed who I was. It was, not to sound cliche, a defining moment.

At the time I was afraid of many things. I was afraid to love because I had been hurt. Afraid of rejection, so I only tried things I did well. Afraid of life beacuse it was so unpredictable. Afraid of disappointing God, and even more terrified of trusting Him.

Around that time I stopped courting my spirituality, and made a committment to Christ. I was moved by Matthew.

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened ... If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" (Matthew 7:7-11)

Like many Christians, I prayed to God, without believing that He would answer (or give me the answer I wanted to hear). Self defeating? No doubt. It is no secret that many of us don't pray and trust in God for our happiness, joy, our future. We don't know (or trust) who God is and we fear being disappointed.

I prayed. I even prayed with expectation, but often times I prayed for things I could get for myself. Faith was not tested. Wanting brought disappointment, so I limited my wants to things I believed I could have.

Ever watch the Never Ending Story? The lead character Sebastian, is introduced to an imaginary world turned real that is dying because children refuse to believe in it. At the end of the story, the world crumbles and all that is left is a grain of sand. In order to restore the world, Sebastian has to exercise his faith and begin to wish for things.

Faith is a lot like that. It costs. And that cost is our hope. In fact, the bible says that faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen. An oxymoron, really. Faith having substance. The substance of faith is hope, and it is the evidence of things that are present, but unseen. A tough concept for people to grasp, because the flesh (the human) part of us deals with sensory things.

Yet we still believe in the wind.

After I began reading this scripture, I realized that there was something missing from my life. I knew God had a purpose for me, but I wasn't seeking God to lead me into that purpose because I didn't trust him. The close relationship with God wasn't as tight as I projected.

I knew I wanted more for my life. Not just material things, but I wanted to be the person God made me to be. I wanted to step out of fear into faith, but I had no courage. Then I read, and begin to get encouragement from the word to ask for freedom from my fears.

"Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures." (James 4:2)

According to some of the different Bible dictionaries, the word "amiss" means we are asking for something "wrongly" or "mistakenly."

Soon after I began asking, and knocking and seeking my life changed. It changed in a physical way. I moved into a rent free house, I got a car without a note, I found meaningful work after college and step into new roles, I was able to help my grandmother through her last days, I was able to make new friends, and let a man love me.

Spiritually, I was learning to trust God, lean on the word, and share the God news. The biggest thing I learned in that early time was to have hope for my life based on God --not my own will.

However, like Job, faith is tested.

After I reached that peak of self reflection, I experienced some real blows. My grandmother died. I bought a house, and struggle with carrying a note alone. I became jaded and disappointed with my community work because the problems were so much bigger than me. I struggled with what seemed to be an endless series of challenges. I experienced health problems related to anxiety. Sickness visited my family. Things I worked for years to build up crumbled in a matter of moments. I lost love, or realized maybe I had prayed for the wrong thing.

That was the blow. I could deal with everything else, but the thing I wanted most in life was to feel loved and protected. I prayed that God would put his hand on my decisions with men and dating. I opened up and truly trusted and gave of myself, stepping out on faith despite those fears, believing that God would not steer me wrong, and it failed.

It was the most crushing thing I have ever experienced. Even worse than the break up of my parents. Even worse than witnessing domestic violence as a child. I think at some point because of the things I've seen in my life, I stopped wishing, and hoping. Oh, I hoped in theory. But I stopped believing to protect myself from being disappointed yet again. It hurt most because I trusted. And maybe I felt betrayed by people who I loved, by the people who I served, by my own inadequacies, --and by God.

The true test of your faith is when you question if God has failed you, or you have failed God. In fact, that is when many people walk away from God, when their prayer is not answered. Isn't that what Job was all about? The devil said the only reason that Job loves God is because God gives him stuff. Keeps His hand on Job. It can also be crushing to think that you have failed God when you believed with all your heart you did His will.

It is dishonest to tell people seeking God that being saved is an instant solution to their problems. In fact, much like the Matrix, salvation is the red pill. Remember as Neo reaches for the red pill Morpheus warns Neo "Remember, all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more." Salvation of course, is more than truth, it is the way and the light. It has a reward at the end. Increasingly complicating realities however are in store, and God does not promise that we will not have struggle.

It was a dark time for me. And I'm not alone. You have them too. The times you don't understand but the ache seems unbearable. You are confused and hurt. You pray, and feel that God isn't listening. You panic. You have no peace. It is at those hard times, when pressed by the enemy without and within, that we can only stand on the word:

Hebrews reminds us that it is impossible for God to lie:

"That by two immutable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we may have a strong encouragement, who have fled for refuge to take hold of the hope set before us."

That there is a path to God:I am the way, the truth, and the light: no man cometh unto the Father, but through me. John 14:6

In Hebrews 13:5, we are reminded of a promise that God made, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."

Question: Do you quit, or do you trust?

The disciples asked themselves this in Luke.(Luke 7:18-21) - "And the disciples of John reported to him about all these things. 19And summoning two of his disciples, John sent them to the Lord, saying, "Are You the Expected One, or do we look for someone else?" Either you believe that there is another way, or you believe that you need to learn the way.

I now think that I have been blessed most in the valley. I truly know that God is with me. I know now you can ask for something "amiss" or "mistakenly" and God knows. He spares you by removing it, but he doesn't ever forget the slightest ask. Sometimes God answers prayers and the answer is "No." With good reason.

Remember, God told Jesus no. He didn't take the cup from Jesus. Jesus was tempted, and forsaken by his friends. After doing the will of his father, he faced death for the world and unbearable pain. Yet he knew that the souls of all humanity rested on his obedience. Still he prayed to God to spare his life,"saying, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done."

But God's will is greater than our will. Jesus acknowledged this by stressing that if it is God's will, take the cup. Sometimes, no matter how hard you have to drink the cup, and go through the fire. But take comfort in knowing God is with you, working it out for the good, even if the situation is bad. That is where your peace will be.

Now I know that God doesn't owe me anything. I am HIS servant, not the other way around. Immaturity (and the enemy)leads us to think that God would leave us. He promises in his word that he will never leave us, or forsake us. It is in the valley that your soul is shaped into the character of Christ.

I struggle with fear. Faith. Doubt. But I am learning who God is. and I am learning that he wants me to be that woman he intended. And I still believe that God can do infinately more than we can ever ask or hope for. That He gives good things to his children. That He can see the path when we cannot.

And that we can be at peace.

Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, give I to you. Don't let your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful. John 14:27